Here’s how I learned to love life again after hitting rock bottom (spoiler: it took me 6 years).

After two years of silence, I finally feel ready to pick up the pen again, free my voice, and connect with you. I’m coming back here with humility, a new posture, and an even more sacred view of life—my life.

For those who don’t know me, I’m Anaïs. Since 2019, I’ve been working to uplift sensitivity and neurodivergence. I’ve shared so much of my personal story through my writing, interviews, videos, and trainings… I’ve supported many beautiful humans as a coach and healer. Until I hit pause—to live through something I never imagined I’d go through.

So, let’s rewind, and let me explain how, yes, I ruined my life… or rather, I finally rediscovered what LIFE actually means.

It all started in 2017: corporate sales manager, high heels, performance anxiety—check, check, check.

Top of my class all through school up to my bachelor’s degree. Then came the full-time contract—40+ hours a week pushing myself to prove my worth as a salesperson. Then exhausting myself again as an entrepreneur—slave to my own business. People praised me. “Hard work is good.”

In a relationship for 11 years, since I was 16. People praised me. “Being in a straight relationship with your first love? Good girl.”

Long curly hair, high heels, fake polite smile, tight clothes showing off my slim body. People praised me. “You’re so pretty, such a pleasure to look at.”

I was training for a half marathon, overtraining until I seriously injured my leg. People praised me. “Push your limits, heal fast, get back to performing.”

I was on the success track! My life was perfectly mapped out: work, compete, hang out with people I didn’t really care about, go skiing every year to the same place.

NOTHING IS EVER ENOUGH

Little by little, I felt a pull toward something more alive. I went vegan, swapped my cosmetics for natural products, started eating organic… Sounds great, right? But inside, everything was still driven by the same wound: the one that says I’m never enough, no matter what I do.

Because in this society, NOTHING will ever be enough.

Yes, I made bold and symbolic choices. But the structure of my life was still soaked in that same wound, stuck in the same patterns.

And so, I burned out. (Which I now know was actually an autistic burnout.) Not helped by the narcissistic, toxic people I was surrounded by at the time. Add to that dysfunctional relationships, family loyalty trauma, anxiety disorder, PTSD, karmic wounds…

There were moments I considered ending my life, that’s how much I was hurting. I thought about it a lot back then.

After I left my job and spiraled into depression, I slowly started reconnecting with myself. I had survived, for the first time.

I built my own business—until, like I said, it burned me out too. And three years later, I found myself here:

I had to take some shitty 9-to-5 job just to:

• Pay for a house I didn’t give a damn about,
• Live with a partner who’d been more like a roommate for years,
• Be too exhausted every weekend to enjoy life,
• Vacation in France when all I wanted was to travel abroad,
• All of it in the name of one day maybe retiring and then enjoying life.

And then it hit me. The matrix was glitching.

Let me be clear: I have so much respect for the woman I was, for what I built at the time. I don’t disown that chapter of my life, or my ex, or my business. I honor all of it. But the truth was staring me in the face:

This time, I wouldn’t survive it.

I mean those words. I feel them vibrate in my body. This is not something I say lightly.

It was leave or die. Leave this version of life, or leave life altogether.

So I chose life—my life—and trust me: when you set the intention for things to shift, your soul will push you in the right direction. The path will look like chaos. Everything will collapse. You’ll have to make excruciating choices. You’ll take responsibility like never before.

And also—life will deliver miracles. Answers to your prayers. The dreams you’ve always had.

But it’s hard. Really fucking hard. Faith saved me. Remembering that everything was temporary, and for the better, saved me. That’s the key: if I hadn’t had blind faith in myself, in my shamanic initiation, in the life I’ve always felt was mine—I would’ve quit.

But here’s the truth: once the door of awareness opens, you can’t go back. So you walk through the dark, surviving day by day. And so…

I owned being an artist, a shaman, and pansexual.

I left my partner of 11 years.

I shut down my business and took a waitress job to survive financially.

I sold my house—and almost all my belongings.

I (finally) got diagnosed as autistic with ADHD.

I said, “BYE LOSERS, I’m outta here in my little Twingo, off to Brittany, and then probably abroad. I’ll work on farms, offer my art and shamanic healing to whoever wants it. Also, I’m into women, I’ll do what I want with my life, and if I want to have orgies, I will.”

I’m cracking up writing this because it’s LITERALLY what I told my parents, and yeah, in hindsight, I can see why they freaked the hell out. But it was so PURE and TRUE—it still feels beautiful, rebellious, human.

They didn’t recognize me. Thought I’d lost it. Thought I’d been brainwashed. But for the first time in my life: I was actually ME.

So yes, in the eyes of this capitalist, patriarchal, ableist society disconnected from Life and the unseen—I ruined everything.

I spit on the perfect life plan. On a well-paid job, company car, 130m² suburban house, ski vacations. I spit on the social validation that came with being a corporate manager, then a successful coach. I spit on the image of the “feminine,” high-achieving woman. I spit on the role of the polite, agreeable little girlfriend.

In truth, I just cleared out everything that wasn’t ME from MY OWN LIFE.

Of course, I’m not even touching here on the six years of intensive therapy, spiritual awakenings, deconstruction, grief, relationship purging, neurodivergence confusion. It was a journey, and I am not here to romanticize how absolutely brutal it was for my mental and physical health. But it was also the most EMPOWERING process I’ve ever experienced. HOLY. SHIT.

How did I learn to love life again?

Making those choices spun everything into chaos. It was a mess. I had to deal with the breakup, my family’s fear and confusion, my financial debt… But guess what? I finally felt a flicker of LIFE inside me. And honestly, my ADHD was my biggest ally. That impulsivity people love to mock or pathologize? It gave me the push I needed to GTFO.

I started traveling. I had NOTHING in my bank account. I mostly stayed with kind souls, found myself in eco-communities and retreats placed on my path by the Universe. When I finally could, I escaped to Portugal for a whole month—my first solo trip!

I made the decision to center my life around my art and just go for it. Imperfectly, yes—but it kept me afloat emotionally. A year and a half later, I built my own painting studio at home, and I’m about to share my first collection with the world!

I left France for the English countryside. I rent now (not buying another house anytime soon, thanks!).

I chose to trust a stranger (a hot English one, let’s be honest), to open my heart to the man I now share my life with. And I’ve committed to him in a way I never have before.

I chose to slow down. The most rebellious act of my life. In this world, it’s the hardest thing to do. I’m learning to face my performance anxiety, the fear of financial lack, and my tendency to become a slave to my own dreams.

I’m living my childhood dream of working with animals—I started a pet sitting business. YES, from corporate exec to dog walker—and it’s one of the things that brings me the most joy right now!

I’ve returned to dance, my lifelong passion. I do gentle pilates.

After 27 years of confusion, I’ve finally understood I’m autistic with ADHD—and now I’m building a life around that. Let me tell you, trying to function in this society as a neurodivergent human is an actual survival challenge—no joke. I’ve trained on the topic and started specialized therapy.

I cut my hair short. Got tattoos and piercings. (Yes, I’ve tattooed myself too—so many wild stories to tell one day, ha!)

I’ve finally embraced my style, which is a chaotic mix of Adam Sandler, Luna Lovegood, and Mazikeen from Lucifer. Let’s be honest, it’s 90% Adam Sandler.

I talk to spirits, to animals, to trees. I drum and dance in the forest.

I’ve embraced the fact that I don’t fit into any box. My new “business” is just a vessel for all my roles—artist, shaman, pet sitter… and who knows what else? I’m excited to see where my desires and life take me. Also, I don’t care anymore about being an “entrepreneur” or anything that comes with that label.

I’ve chosen a SOFT life. A SOFT relationship. A SOFT daily existence.

A life of art, nature, intention, connection. And it makes so much more sense to me than everything I was ever told I should create.

Of course it’s scary. It’s destabilizing. I’m walking a path that’s way outside the norm—one I’ve never seen before, that’s the opposite of everything I knew or that society celebrates.

What saved me, and brought me back to life, were the people I love.
My family who stood by me when I had nothing.
My coworkers who watched me lose it all and rebuild.
My partner, who gives me the relationship I always dreamed of.
My friends.
Strangers who became family.
The dead helped me too—the past versions of myself, my ancestors, the Spirits who initiated me onto this indescribable shamanic path. The animals, who are my most loyal guides.

Today, I’m deeply grateful to the past version of me who maintained all those painful patterns—because they also allowed me to save enough to build the foundation for this new life. Investing that money in what makes me feel ALIVE is the most beautiful way to honor those years of effort.

Don’t get me wrong—I don’t reject everything about the system, or money, or material things. Nothing is all black or white. I’ve learned. I’ve grown. And now, I’m more committed than ever to creating a sustainable life ecosystem that supports who I am—on every level.

It takes time. It takes consistency. That’s been my focus for two years, far from screens and social media.

I no longer seek to exist through success. I just want to live a soft life and have fun doing what I love and what I’m good at.

It’s time to play by my rules.
And I’m so happy to bring you with me on this journey.

If you see yourself in my words, then know that my thoughts are with you.
I see you. I know how hard and uncertain it is…
But this is the most beautiful path there is—following your soul.

Keep going. It’s worth it. I promise.

With all my love,
Anaïs