I’m No Longer Ambitious
And It’s the Best Thing That Could’ve Happened to Me
ANAÏS LANDRIEU
May 26, 2025

Destroying an entire life is brave; and yet, it’s not an end in itself.

The next step, the one I’m in right now, is a total reconstruction. Because what’s the point of starting over if it’s just to repeat the same patterns?

In this process of hitting reset, I had to ask myself:

What do you want to create now?

And then… nothing.
Terrifying nothingness for someone who, since childhood, chased recognition, top grades, excellence… Someone who’s always been building, creating projects, a business, content, art… Someone who always had huge goals, a high standard for a future filled with international talks, exhibitions, a large audience…

But now? Nothing.
Well, not nothing. One sentence kept ringing in my mind:

I’M NO LONGER AMBITIOUS.

Honestly, that scared the hell out of me at first.
I’ve always seen myself as passionate — was my fire gone? I felt so empty.
How could I build anything if that fire wasn’t there to drive me?

So I didn’t want to believe it.

I told myself I was just exhausted — which I was, after “blowing up my life,” as I explained in [this article]. I had to learn how to listen to my needs again, something I’ve been rediscovering since being diagnosed with autism and ADHD.

I started listening to my body, with discipline. And still — nothing. Sure, I found some grounding, some energy. But the passion, the burning drive, the ultimate spark? Still gone. Damn.

Then I gave myself permission to do… nothing.
Barely meditating (if zoning out counts as meditating), and that’s when something shifted.

The truth appeared: I’m not the same anymore. I’ve changed, evolved, and there’s no use waiting for something that isn’t coming back.

My ambition died with the version of me who held it.

So I decided to get clear on this new reality.
Take stock. Finally start imagining a new future, with totally different foundations.
I dove into the ocean of definitions to try and understand what had faded away in me…

AMBITION, noun
“A strong desire to have or do something” – Larousse
“A sincere desire to achieve success or distinction (power, honor, fame, wealth) and the determination to strive for it.” – Dictionary

And suddenly, it all clicked.
Reading those definitions, nothing inside me resonated anymore. Not in my body, not in my heart.

Desire, intense, possess, achieve, success, distinction, power, fame, determination, striving:
EGO, EGO, EGO.
All of it. Just ego and mind.

None of that comes from the heart, the soul, or even the body.

And to be clear, I’m not here to demonize the ego.
I don’t buy into that disembodied spiritual narrative that says we need to get rid of our human traits to be “spiritual.”
The ego — the Self — is essential to our psychological and relational construction.
The issue is letting it take the wheel and believing that patching its wounds with recognition will make us happy.

And yet, that’s the dominant blueprint in our consumerist society, obsessed with image, likes, fame, hustle culture.

I don’t think ambition is bad, either.
It was necessary for me at one point, and achieving things brought a lot of good (connections, confidence, skills…).

I just see it as a stage.
You can stay stuck in that desire for recognition and big ambition, or use the lessons to grow.

Not feeling that ambitious fire anymore has helped me realize I had actually healed a massive wound inside myself.
I learned through experience, and healed through patience, love, and care — that no accomplishment or possession would ever make me truly happy.

That’s the pattern I’ve broken: the compulsive chase for recognition.
Believing that achieving = worthiness, lovability, “being enough.”

I’ve also realized that what I used to call “passion” was partly a trauma response — mixed with a dopamine deficit (hello ADHD), a coping mechanism for chaos, a fuel that was exciting but exhausting and destructive in the long run.

I was afraid of losing my fire — but it allowed me to taste peace.

I’M NO LONGER AMBITIOUS… and honestly? IT’S AMAZING.

At that moment, I revisited that question I had asked myself a few weeks back. And I realized it needed to evolve, to match my new way of being:

What do you want to create now?
What kind of life do you want to live now?

For the first time in my life, I don’t feel the need to create something impressive, or to have a successful project, or even a business.
To be clear — that desire was always there, but I think I’ve oscillated for a long time between a deep urge to shine, and a deep urge to disappear.

“I just want to live” — this phrase came straight from my heart, a cry of rebellion against a system that pushes us to work to generate money to consume.
As someone who’s spent her adult life in repeated autistic burnouts, unable to keep up with the “normal” rhythm, I’ve longed to quit it all and live like a hermit.
Exhausted from playing the game, always feeling like I’m losing.

I’m still in process here.
You don’t heal years of trauma in a snap.
But when I’m not stuck in those wounds — aka “everything sucks and this planet is garbage” — I arrive at this truth:

All I want is to care for myself, feel at peace at home, create and be surrounded by art, nurture my family and my animals.

“Shit, do I just want to become a trad wife?”

“YouTube: how to live off-grid and self-sufficient?”

“Ugh, that’s impossible, I’ll never make it.”

“My only option is for my husband to get rich and support me.”

Yep — that’s my brain scrambling to map out this new life.

If you’re not choosing hustle culture, pick another box, Anaïs: trad wife or Annick from Le Flambeau.

The problem is, my body tells me — that’s not it either.
I don’t want to trade one box for another.

As always, it comes back to this:
The key to freedom, I guess, is crafting a life tailor-made for who I am today — and giving myself permission to evolve as I become someone new.

So, after hours of meditation, deep listening to what’s vibrating within me, I redrew my dream life:

To feel at peace in my sanctuary, and to keep building the work of my life, by following what resonates — prioritizing who I am, above what I do or how I do it.

It’s no longer about losing myself in future plans or possessions — but looking at what I need daily, then letting those needs shape the bigger picture. Tangibly.

Here’s where I’m at in connecting to my dream life:

• Respect my needs and maintain a supportive lifestyle
  Alternate between activity and rest, understand myself better, care for my mental and physical health (nutrition, exercise…).
• Express the different parts of myself through various activities
  Helping animals, writing, painting, creating, raising awareness on neurodivergence, public speaking, connecting to the invisible… Doesn’t matter if it’s a hobby or earns money — the goal is to meet my needs, and have some of those activities support me financially.
• Build a strong partnership with my love, by healing fear and wounds
  Talk about money, commitments, future plans, needs, contributions — with honesty about what we both want, can do, and can’t do (especially me lol — I joke, but it’s hard).
• Laugh and make conscious space for joy and fun
  Nourish my social life (super hard with autism, not gonna lie), dance, try new cool things, seek out one small deep joy each day.
• Feel safe and inspired in my home/nest, surrounded by nature
  First in our current rental with walks and small joys — then, buying our own little cottage, with a garden and animals.

This is very personal and summarized, but maybe it can inspire you to reflect on your own life.
For me, I’ve noticed that my life is no longer led by “projects to succeed at,” but by how I want to feel, regardless of location or method.

For example, I currently work in a dog daycare and offer pet sitting on the side.
Later, I might make a living from my art, while volunteering at a shelter.
Or I could earn income running a dog boarding business from home.

I no longer cling to one project that has to “succeed” and support everything.

I’ve even decided to share my journey building this off-track life on my YouTube channel.
Subscribe — first video’s coming soon, and I’ll explain in detail how I made all these major life shifts!

Reframing my life this way brings me so much freedom, flexibility, and creativity.
Not gonna lie — some days I’m terrified of not having a roadmap.
I fear I’m doomed to poverty if I reject hustle culture. I doubt I’ll ever make it.

But like any storm, it passes.
And I return to the path of my soul, laying one stone after another to build this life.
Everything is already here — my role is to water the seeds daily, and be patient.

Funny thing is — I had this realization years ago.
Everything’s cyclical, of course, but it’s fascinating to see how I return to it now with much more peace and depth.
And I imagine that’ll keep evolving with time.

So no, I’m not ambitious anymore.
And yet, I’ve never felt more connected to life in all its simplicity, to my dreams and desires, to my body.
It’s a gentler path — but still very real, with its challenges and annoying stuff to deal with haha!

I no longer have ambition — but I’ve never felt so rich in life.
And I know deep down, this is the truest way to bring my dreams to life.

With gentleness and love,
Anaïs

Artist, Shaman

Shop: https://www.etsy.com/shop/anaislandrieu
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/anaislandrieu/
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@anaislandrieu